Teething with bloody gums and wet cheeks

Hey anyone who may read this, which is possibly no one. Sorry it has been so long since I have written. I got a new job and am still working my other one and have 4 classes at seminary this semester. Hectic to say the least, but still... writing is fun and I need to keep it up. Hopefully I will be able to keep up on her somewhat more regularly in the future.

speaking of the future - I am so glad I have a God who loves me, because I hate myself so often. Example - I am a crap friend. I never call anyone to hang out. I sit in my room and try to enrich my brain so I can win arguments. I have a deep understanding of Scripture and am gifted of God to be able to communicate the Scriptures, but I would rather look good than Godly. My sin creeps up on me and smacks me in the face (figuritive language). I so often feel more like a lost person than a saint. More like Judas than Jesus. I push people away. I am so negative about myself in my head that my mouth has to build me up to hide it. I sit in my room on a saturday night with wet eyes because I am so scared of what the future holds. I have no faith, I have no trust, I have no belief.

YET! in all of this, I hear God telling me that I have a great future ahead. He is moving things in ways I will never know and would probably be mad at him over in the now if I did know. I could never feel like this could be written about me:

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.
He said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.' Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God." (Job 1:20-22)

""Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?' In all this Job did not sin with his lips." (Job 2:10)

God looks down on me and sees a jewel in the rough. I love my roughness, He hates it. In the end I will be a beautiful and precious object - but rubbing off the roughness hurts. I want to stay rough. I would rather my cancer spread than go through the pain of the surgery. But I have a loving Father. He knows that the hard times lead to strength. Practice makes perfect in my relationship with the Father. The more I have the live by faith, the easier it will be to rest in faith.

This should be my prayer:
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." (2 Cor 4:16-18)

If Job, through the loss of his family, fortune, and health, could worship God; if Paul through beatings, shipwrecks, stonings, and the like could say that these are "light and momentary" who am I to question God? Who am I to cry over what will amount to spilled milk?

Personal prayer - God, I am sorry for loving too much... loving the idea of JNB, loving myself, loving pleasure. I am sorry for not loving at all... not loving You and Your ways. Continue to build me into the man you want me to be. I want to be pliable in Your almighty hands. I want to have faith. I know this will be tough and that things may get worse before they get better - but like a master physician, You probably will have to cut on me a whole lot before the sickness is gone. If in my pain I curse and squeal, please forgive me. If I get off the gurney and start to run - please tie me down. If my hopes and dreams are shattered like a ball player with a bum knee, give it to me straight. In the end, I want to be able to die knowing that the Kingdom's work was added to through Your work in me. If I can minister to just one person so they run towards you - all the growing pains will be worth it.

Amen.